"I am not alone, I am on MY OWN".. how to accept, appreciate and admire your own company

Like with most of young ladies I grew up watching that fabulous show, Sex in the City, Finally there was something for us ladies that encouraged us to be unapologetically ourselves, demonstrated by four women; each unique in their style and personality and celebrated for their individuality. As within any women friendship groups, we call selected one of the characters that best resonated with our own image and for sure, Carrie wasn't me, as much as I wished I was as cool, beautiful, charismatic and extremely stylish like her!

However here I was watching the last episode in their latest series and I finally realised I am just like Carrie, finally! Not for all the reasons I shared above however, now it was because just like her, I too am a mature women, with a cat (okay 2), living in a beautiful home, doing the work I love to do and living a wonderful life that I am truly blessed for and I am on my OWN, like she is now and it is okay.

When she shared 'I am not alone, I am on my own' I really understood what she meant.

I have spent years in and out of the wrong relationship, trying to deal with the trauma and self critiscism that took presidence over my thoughts. I was scared to be in a relationship but also so scared to be single. I didn't believe I could trust any man again and the level of narstastic abuse that rotted in my fascia was beyond a joke. Yet, I also didn't want to be alone, to feel unlovable, to be the one in the group of friends that was single or the one who was always desperate to be invited out because I didn't have a partner to spend my time with.

The Universe had its own plan for me (as it does for us all) and that plan was for me to really heal and release the amount of suffering, trauma and pain that I carried in my mind, body and soul before it would even consider allowing me to be in another relationship. Don't get me wrong, I met men however I had so 'warning alarms' in place that no man truly stood a chance. Why? Because the warrior in me would not allow me to engage with them if they met any of my wrong man criteria.

Angie the Warrior

The warrior became so good and strong at protecting me that I didn't even realise that I was literally 'closed off' to anyone who tried to talk to me, that was until a friend pulled me up and shared what she had witnessed in my behaviour. I'll be honest, it was not easy to hear what she saw because I didn't have any idea that I was showing up like that.

We spoke and I shared, life happened and it made me this way; untrustworthy, scared, nervous, unlovable, undeserving... I can go on and on here but I know you understand what I mean. Life had beaten me badly and I was wearing the scars like trophies and in that moment I realised that I didn't want to live like that anymore.

Those scars needed to be healed and the Angie before the drama, the suffering, the lack-off mindset needed to feel welcomed back. I spent many years working on these parts of me that I had been hiding away from. I allowed myself to feel the pain, to be witness to what the warrior Angie had buried away. I had to release the layers of 'hardness' that protected my soft vulnerable soul and wow was it a journey.

Breathwork was fundamental in this because I didn't want to talk about it anymore, I had spent 3 years with a therapist and honestly, she annoyed me more then helped me, regurgitating all those emotions and feelings without providing me the tools or the support to process and release them, and my issues went back as far as childhood so you can only imagine!!

And now... here we are. I am Single, 50 and Fabulous. I have been on my spiritual healing journey for over a decade now and I can finally say that I really enjoy my own company and I am so open to meeting a man who will love, accept and meet me emotionally and mentally. I have burned the superficial man checklist that has been holding me back from giving anyone a chance and I am really focusing on giving myself as much love, kindness and support as I need. I allow my thoughts to be those of gratitude because honestly, if we focus on all the things we have then life really does feel amazing, you'll feel lighter in your heart and a smile will always appear.

I do have days when I do miss not having a family, a partner or any kids. I also have days when I question why?

What's changed through all the healing and self care is that rather than being a victim of my circumstances, I have learnt to have Trust & Faith, to use this time to work on all the things I want to be doing. I am living my best life in this current chapter and rather than dwelling in the mindset of "i am alone', I acknowledge and accept that right now, I am on my own, and I am okay with that, just like Carrie and if its good enough for my role model, its damn well good enough for me!